How to Recognize and Avoid Trauma Bonding

I was thinking about friendship breakups while prepping for a podcast episode with astrologer Mare. We are both in our early 40ies and have lost treasured friends along the way. Thoses losses were felt deeply and to this day they make themselves present in the occasional memory. They never really feel good. So as I was thinking about why these long time friend losses happen inevitably, I came upon the concept of Trauma Bonding. This concept attempts to answer why these friendships were actually flawed from the start and their dissolution inevitable if you saw the red flags. Because we do focus on opposite sex breakups, but all relationships of date are equally significant, even without the sex component. So the loss is felt just as painfully yet none ever talks about it, as if it is some kind of shameful shortcoming.

All things end, life is a cycle.

So what is Trauma /Traumatic Bonding?

When people develop codependency or bond due to shared traumatic events like a difficult job environment, a common ex, or a health condition, a familiar loss, etc, the foundations of these relationships are built on situations that keep us captive to our fears and our past. In trauma based friendships we often rehash and relive the past trauma because we are the only people who know all the gory details. We spend a lot of time complaining and our group chat is flooded with disappointments and constant reminders of what brought us close. It is hard to move forward when even in the present all we share is the past. What are we holding onto?

A validation of our experience by another like minded human. The same human who is hellbent on being a perpetual victim, who poisons every conversation with unnecessarily indignant righteousness. I sacrifice parts of myself to pretend that this person is my friend and not a mismarketed product with features over promised and under delivered. I feel cruel and I feel sad, an unyielding coldness clenches my jaws as I bite my words for her benefit. Lest I unleash the trauma. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and that is definitely a red flag.